Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
