There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
it glows. i had to have it.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
