I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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