there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize
