He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
i believe in u and ur pee
Randomize
