stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Randomize
