his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize
