Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
