He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
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