I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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