why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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