It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
