mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Randomize
