i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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