my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
and she was petting her beer can
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize
