My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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