Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
