he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Randomize
