I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
