If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
