Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
