Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
