Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize