had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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