I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
