I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
