hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
We are two peas in an std pod
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
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