Need sex. Gaining weight.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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