Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Randomize
