Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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