I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Randomize
