I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
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