I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
