If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
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