Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I am mentally ready for anal.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
