This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
