You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Randomize