I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Sponge bath it is.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
