He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
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