Duck Duck Cougar?
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
