I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize