I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
