I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
