You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I think I won the penis lottery.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
