I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
