My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
