dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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