Whod you bang
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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