hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Randomize
