He is such a slut. More and more my type.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Randomize
