I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Church boner. Awkwardddd
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
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