dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
it's like heaven, but drunker
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
