The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
