I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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