wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
