i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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