Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
