she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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