3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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