Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
